Archive for May, 2013

Only Love

Posted by on May 24, 2013  |  No Comments

It was a cool gray May morning in Oakland, California.  As dawn began to break I met my very first exposure to life with the rejection, hatred and alienation of a woman. My birth mother. She had spent the last nine months telling relatives that there was no way she was going to give birth to a baby boy. She insisted that she would only have a precious, darling little girl.  Yet her intense desires didn’t change my gender.  At my birth she was stricken with grief and I immediately hungered and became desperate for love and attention.  Satan still attempts to use that rejection at my birth to immerse me in not being wanted or valued today. He will stop at nothing to seek to deceive us with His lies of deception.

The stain of sin is upon us at birth. “Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me.” Psalm 51:5 We didn’t ask to be here. But there is a gold thread of truth from God’s Word that tells us we were chosen. “Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes.” Ephesians 1:4 

We were born into sin, yet God had already made provisions for us if we will choose Him.  Sin wreaks such havoc in humanity.  Just as in the Garden of Eden, Satan immediately attacks our senses. We arrive craving love. Yet upon arrival, I was met with rejection from my very own mother. Was it any wonder that I gravitated toward men seeking their warmth, masculinity and strength? It was natural for me to have these desires from birth.  But sin is natural. It’s holiness that is unnatural.

In a fit of rage and disappointment my mother broke my arm in two places when I was two years old. What kind of impression does that make on a child’s mind? The devil continued to be at work. My father was in the Air Force and couldn’t be at home with me, so I was passed around between relatives for a year giving each aunt I stayed with a nervous breakdown.  I was an emotional wreck. I was convinced that I didn’t belong.

Perhaps my natural mother was subject to some kind of phase she had been going through. My natural father decided to give her another chance by placing me back in her care. I was returned to her and left at the hands of her abuse until the state said; “Remove this child from his mother within thirty days or we will.”  Once again my father sought assistance from his sisters and brother.  An aunt and uncle… my Uncle Fred and Aunt Virginia, told my dad they had been praying intently about this situation and told him that God had strongly impressed them to take me, but only if they could permanently adopt me.  My father agreed.

During my developmental years, my Uncle Fred, who became my father would tell me over and over how God had told Him that He had a very special plan for me.  But the fact of the matter was at that early age in my life… I didn’t feel special at all.  I was broken. Damaged. I knew that I was unacceptable as a boy and started playing with dolls and engaging with various feminine interests in life. After all, my mother had made it perfectly clear that I would not be of any use to her as a boy. I craved approval. I desperately wanted to belong.  This handicap would forever scar my life from recognizing or cultivating any self-worth.

I had extreme temper tantrums. I yelled and screamed; “I don’t want to be a boy!  I want to be a girl!” My aunt and uncle wondered what they had gotten themselves into. Of course I wanted to be a girl. My natural mother had already drummed this into my head during her pregnancy. She would only accept me as a girl.

There are millions of stories that can be told that would give explanation for our various sin conditions. None of us were born perfect.  The scars of sin that are on us certainly evidence our need to be “born again.”

All I began to know was that I was being drawn to males and seeking their acceptance. But the majority of them harassed me and teased me. Society at large, who don’t know Jesus, react to the impulses of the prince of darkness who is constantly scouring the earth with his deceptive plans which are rooted from being cast out of heaven.

I was set up to respond to one of Satan’s deadliest deceptions.  The lie of not being loved.

It drove me to the arms of many who also sought to be loved.  Instead of believing in and recognizing the pure love of Jesus Christ, many of us have been willing to substitute a fleshly imitation which fades and has no promise.  Unless I reflect the pure love of Jesus Christ as He intended, I add to the harm, confusion, deception and delusion which has been orchestrated by Satan.

More importantly, unless I connect myself with Jesus and His truth, I will miss out on the right properties, expressions and rewards that are mine through a constant abiding in Him.

Today I am still at risk of deception. I am continually faced with temptation.  My flesh and my heart want to know that I am accepted, loved and cared about. The easiest way to confuse me is to put that in the form of real, tangible flesh that excites and stimulates desire. But the question to be asked is… what is it that I truly desire?

Unless I am constantly immersed in Jesus and His truth, I am posed as a sitting duck waiting for the parade of sensuality and promise that is orchestrated by the prince of this earth.  Like so many, I may be unable to grasp or believe in what I cannot see unless I center my life on the giver of life. It’s boggling how quickly we can lose a pure focus on our “Redeemer” when we are caught off guard.

The facsimile is designed to appear and feel like it’s the real thing. It appears that no one is getting hurt. It looks like people are benefiting from a “feel good” and harmless relationship. Yet what are hidden deep within are the self-driven motivations.   “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?” Jeremiah 17:9

I have spent the better part of a lifetime searching for love in all the wrong places. Patiently waiting for me to acknowledge Him, has been my heavenly father. He doesn’t force. He encourages and He promises. He awaits my choices and will empower ever right decision.

For the last few years I have daily prayed to fall in love with him more each day. He has allowed me to see His love distorted. I have witnessed many professing that the final message of this earth is one of love, yet it often has taken on a look of the kind of love from the late sixties and early seventies which was not really love, but a consensus to let everyone do what comes naturally. What comes naturally to us is under the powerful influence of sin.

Today, Jesus is asking us to look to Him. Not just for a moment, but continuously.  “He was chosen before the creation of the world, but was revealed in these last times for your sake.” 1 Peter 1:20

He is asking us to see Him for what He is: the author of love. He is asking us not to put any other Gods before us. If my focus is not on Him, I am at risk of what could be an eternal sacrifice. Not because of Him, but because of focusing on myself instead of Him.  His love is pure and everlasting. Praise be to God!

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What’s My Part?

Posted by on May 24, 2013  |  No Comments

Ever find yourself in predicaments wondering how you got there and why you can’t seem to get out?

So many times in my childhood, I was in the most hurtful and devastating circumstances. Advice was offered, yet many times I was determined to “do it my way.” Well… there are consequences for taking charge. For me… it was a continuation of suffering that might not have been as intense if I had taken the suggestions of others and applied them to my life.

We’re in a predicament. A sinful predicament. Our Savior provided us His inspired Word to warn us about our predicament and what to do when we find ourselves in situations that are not in alignment with God’s plan for us.

“Commit everything you do to the LORD. Trust him, and he will help you.” Psalm 37:5

How often do we take a hopeless outlook at things? We are all in need divine help. We have been shaped by society to believe that we are entitled to smooth sailing. So often many believe that if you have a Christian life it will be without challenge. But in essence a Christian life is one of constant challenge.

We are challenged to live by faith. Whether we have a birth defect, a cultivated or hereditary sin temptation, God’s Word provides us with truth and promise.

Isaiah 55:8-9 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

The stain of sin messes up our thinking. The enemy seeks to devour and destroy that which God has provided.

We have a choice. We have the spirit of truth within us unless we grieve it away. If we will exercise power of choice He has given us, God will empower us and provide us with healing. “”But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.” Isaiah 53:5

Quite often healing is not instant, but a life long process that involves trust and faith and perseverance. He asks that we believe Him.

Are you struggling with something that seems to keep nagging at your flesh? Surrender it. Abide in Him and know that He is a God of truth and mercy. He will not leave or forsake you. He knows your pain. He bore it all. Every tear that falls from your eyes is known by your Comforter. Do not lose hope. Do not give up. Let Him clarify you. At times there may be a painful rebuke, but in the end there is His great reward for your faithfulness. A life hereafter. Refuse the lies of the enemy. He will haunt you. But God will lift you up because He overcame the enemy and all of His lies.

In Him all things are possible! “So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.” Hebrews 10:35 He holds you in His heart. He is yours and you belong to Him.

Thank you for your promises God!

Your son who seeks your healing.

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