Archive for May, 2011

How Deep Is Your Love?

Posted by on May 8, 2011  |  No Comments

In the dramatic and traumatizing emotions that plagued me in my youth, I was fortunate enough to have a church member here or there, or a classmate that overlooked the obvious and tried to show some kind of compassion. Today it would be beneficial to interview those individuals to find out what was going through their minds and what motivated their friendliness. Was it a moral issue? Was it an influence from God? Was it pity? For some; could it have been the respect they had for my parents? Perhaps they pitied them.

You see, I knew that they knew that something made me different than the rest of the guys. I think some were waiting for me to figure it out and get it fixed.  LOL… If I had only known how to.  Had I known where the antidote was, I would have gladly partook. But people looked and gawked at me as awkwardly as I felt inside. The question I thought that probably ran through their minds was; “What do we do when people are not disposable?” It seemed like some accepted the fact that they would simply force themselves to tolerate me.

So it can’t be any wonder that when I became aware of the fact that an entire sect of people existed that were just like me; I was overjoyed and relieved. I was immediately accepted. The judgment of my sexual persuasion was instantly gone.  A certain bliss hung over me for quite some time. But it to would fade. People in general are judgmental and it wasn’t long before the prejudices and cattiness of gay people flared and appeared to be a mainstay for some.  Many gays have a reputation for being critical, harsh and judgmental from everything from style to personal character flaws. Nirvana was certainly out of reach and only briefly satisfying in some meaningless sexual encounter.

But it was a drug. An addiction. The brief and temporary escapades which tantalized the senses, always left me wanting more. It was an endless dead end.

I wanted/want to be loved! So… there… the time came.  All my gay friends are dead and I only had this never ending abuse of God’s precious gift of sensuality that I constantly abused.  He finally had me where I allowed Him to speak to my heart and consider… “What is real love?”   In essence, the definition of love is .. God. He first loved us and He instilled in us, part of Him, so that we might have the ability to love.

“Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for your brothers, love one another deeply, from the heart.” 1 Peter 1:22

Praise God… He got through.  He asked me to consider Him and His truth and calling to me. This sums it up.  “9 Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with mena]10 nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. 11 And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.” 1 Corinthians 6″ 9-11

I sought His forgiveness, accepted Him into my life and now choose to live for Him instead of self.   Beautiful! End of story right?  Well… God has many lessons for us to learn on this earth. Love is an endless story.

So I came back to Christ and to the church. You would consider that there would be much rejoicing and that all those who once seem to force their friendliness toward me, would not show love and genuine approval right?

In actuality there are some who will not engage in conversation with me that used to when I was struggling. Perhaps the indentation I left was to stark. Perhaps there is a fear of being liked and appreciated the way I once looked up to them. Perhaps they just gave up and continue to consider me hopeless and a blight on the face of humanity.

It stings a bit and it clarifies again what is of significant importance. God’s love. Today I consider this. If our acceptance and need for love by others determines our relationship and obedience to God, we are in grave danger. Bitterness and anger fuel motives today. Resentment can create a divide. A barrier. Healing is desperately needed inside and outside the church. But only the spirit of forgiveness can bring us together to explore, educate, grow and dedicate ourselves to the obedience of God’s Word and seek the kingdom together.

Many tests are laid before us as we travel through life. Loneliness can be one. It may appear heavy and daunting, yet at times, it appears it may be God’s plan for us to be in a state where we are to rely fully upon Him in order to enhance our walk of trust, faith and endurance with Him and Him alone.

We have choices. Informed choices. With God’s power and strength we will conquer the evil one’s deceptions  and accusations. He will never leave us or let us down.

Please listen to His call and let Him guide your thoughts. Give it all to Him and He will carry you through.

“Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.” Hebrews 11:1

Filed Under: Wayne's Blog

…and then there was one.

Posted by on May 5, 2011  |  No Comments

After the dazzling days of youth and early adulthood, there comes a time when birthdays become kind of bitter-sweet. Youth fades and signs of aging begin to take over. Lines, lumps, less energy, etc.

Few of my gay friends saw forty and none of them saw fifty. As each year passes, I take this time to contemplate the immense blessing that God has bestowed upon me.

In my youth, I simply wanted to die. Then I became determined to live as I felt. I became proud of my sexual identity and I flaunted it as though it were a medal.  When I began to witness the deaths of my close friends, I began to try to strike a bargain with God. I simply told Him if He would keep me HIV-, I would somehow change my life and live for Him.

Time after time of testing…. the tests would always come back negative. My safety practices were nearly non-existent. As the years passed and I continued to live exactly as I wanted to live, I knew that God was hearing and answering my prayers, but I was not following through. I wasn’t sure I knew exactly what to do.

Then a day came when all of my friends were dead in this battle against disease on this earth. There I was. Healthy and alone to contemplate God’s preservation.

“Because he loves me,” says the LORD, “I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. Psalm 91:14

God spares those who in their hearts … are still reachable by Him.  He knows who will decide for Him and those who will remain hardened.

It was in the still, the quiet, my continued existence in the silence around me, that I head God speak to my heart. “Can you hear me now .. Wayne?” Do you have time to direct your focus to my Word? Will you study and communicate with me? Will you follow where I want to lead you?

A humble spirit came over me. As I reflected, I recognized that I had been turning my back on God. My bitterness, anger and natural inclinations …. I had allowed them to separate me from God.  Much like the hiding of the original couple when they had sinned and God came to find them in the garden.

But He sees your heart and understands you’re not understanding. He is patient and enduring and He waits for you. He holds on to His promises and waits for you to grasp them and claim them as yours.

Have you hung onto something you believe in your heart does not please God, but brings you some kind of comfort, or you believe is part of who you are? Can you give it to Him? Can you trust Him?

He did all that He could possibly do. He took on a human form and lived a life with temptation. Being tempted in all things as we are.  Then He let them ridicule and judge Him … while He loved them. He gave up His life by hanging on a cross with the weight of the sins of the world which broke His heart and killed Him. It was you and I that killed Him. The pain must have been unthinkable.

Do you hear Him? Just whisper His name. Pour out your heart to Him. He’s waiting and wants so badly to help you turn and face Him and begin your journey toward Him instead of away from Him.

Nothing is worth passing up His generous and incredible offer of love and forgiveness.  Don’t let it pass you by.

He is the giver of your breath of life. He has won your victory.   Please claim what He has purchased for you with His blood.

I am so very blessed. What an awesome Heavenly Father.

Filed Under: Wayne's Blog